Walking on a Dream

HOW CAN I EXPLAIN? Basically some people (my parents) would like me to adopt a rigid plan for the rest of my future. And it makes sense, I can't live at home forever, and who wouldn't want to see a young person seriously pursue success?

I just can't wrap my head around all the ambitious hunger and eagerness I'm supposed to be exhibiting. I would like to be better at planning out a course for myself, so I don't end up causing a lot of detours (as i have been doing) I just don't sweat over the whole failure thing. It's not phasing me as much as it should.

I feel like we are striving for ultimate pinnacle of prosperity and happiness and I've already got a mansion in my head. I feel as though success is a mental state. It's internal. Like the story of that guy what's his name? Sisyphus! Basically he was an ancient Greek character who was sentenced to push a rock up a hill as it would perpetually roll back down and he would do this continually until-- forever. 

(Sounds like a lot of 9-5's out there.)  Anyway, Sisyphus enjoys his punishment and it's therefore no longer a punishment. What I'm saying is whatever I end up doing with my life I will be successful because I am content. 

Also, I try not to anticipate the future too much because then I'll totally neglect the present. This notion is really well put in a song called Walking on a Dream by a band named Empire of the Sun. (This song is currently the most played on my Itunes list) 

"We are always running for the thrill of it.... always pushing up the hill, searching for the thrill of it/ Never looking down I'm just in awe of what's in front of me..."

Don't put so much pressure on yourself to become successful by worldly definition. Do what you love and if you can't,  love what you do.

Misfortune is relative to what you want;

If you don't want anything more than what you have, then you already have everything you want. 

LOC TOC: Unravel and Renew

SEVERAL WEEKS ago, I was taking a shower and preparing to wash and retwist my locs when all of a sudden, I felt a loose dread in the back. rather than make any attempt at holding it together or twisting it back up to prevent it from falling apart, I let it unravel, allowing the curly strands to sprawl and convince their brethren to follow suit... soon I was running my eager fingers across my scalp and through the baby knots, removing them in multitudes and releasing my hair from its life sentence of perfect sections.

Taking my locs out was a good decision for that day. Although I questioned why I didn't immediately regret it, I grew to understand that I couldn't force my hair to do something it clearly didn't want to do. It sounds a bit contrived, but I am growing to have a mentality in which I respect the integrity of my hair during the locing journey.

I've re-twisted my hair again, this time without focusing on perfect parts or thicker size, rather, I grabbed smaller non uniformed sections and I've approached this with a leniency and willingness to negotiate with my hair.

Now that we have an understanding, I feel like inspired to handle the rest of my life with the same level of confidence and un-manipulated action. I will try to stop forcing things to be a certain way, and accept myself without prejudice.

That being said, I feel like I should briefly touch upon the events of last night. I went to a birthday party for my friend. While I previously berated others for their unrestrained behavior and held myself to unnatural standards of chastity and sobriety, I found myself unraveling a bit last night: and that is totally okay.

Judgement, Guilt, Shame, Questions, Regret--never occurred to me and have yet to appear. I honestly don't feel the need to excuse myself for anything at all.

To bind myself to conscience is to hermitize my spirit and ultimately disrespect the capacities of existence.